Ultra 64 Season 2
by Radiant Falcon
Summary: Ultra 64 returns to action with brand new Condensation Parodies with Streets of Rage 2! Brand new condensations and brand new characters await you and such! All your abridged games belong to us! Current Condensation: Ghosts & Goblins
1. Ultra 32: Streets of Rage 2

At last, it was time for Ultra 64 Season 2 to begin. The new director, Mavis Westmanning, who the 3LTV suits had hired at the end of last season to keep everyone in line, announced "Thirty seconds to showtime. I've got the lens cap off and we're ready to roll. N, hon, give me your status."

"_I'm here in the booth, Mavis; I'm waiting on Ivy to give me the-wait, no, she just gave me my lines." _the man behind the voice of Ultra 64 responded. _"Ready to go on this end, how about you, Raul?"_

The producer Raul Escabar replied with a hearty "My body is ready for producing!"

"_Awesome. Okay, Mavis, we're waiting on you."_

**ULTRA SIX-SIX-SIXTY FOUR!**

"_please tell me someone got that."_

**Ultra 64 risks everything, even its life, in Streets of Rage 2!**

**AUTHOR'S CUT: Welcome to Ultra 64 season 2, where condensation parodies get bigger, badder, and better. This time, we're taking a look at one of the best Genesis games ever made: Streets of Rage 2 (or Bare Knuckle II: Requiem to Desperate Struggle in Japan) For those unfamiliar with the series... shame on you. As far as edits go, we're taking a look at Streets of Rage II and not Bare Knuckle II, in which Skate's real name was Sammy Hunter, not Eddie Hunter.**

**-=32=-**

_The city... is in deep peril! A Mr. X, who's not Dr. Wily this time, honest, rules the city with an iron fist... or at least he did until Axel Stone, Blaze Fielding and Adam Hunter singlehandedly toppled his criminal empire with their fists. Some may say, their _bare knuckles?

U64 Fans: boooo~! BOOOOO~!

_Great, first one after the break and already I'm getting booed off the stage. At any rate, a year later, a young Adam's brother by the name of Eddie Hunter, also going by the name of Skate, comes home to find that his brother is in fact missing._

Eddie "Skate" Hunter: It was Colonel Mustard, wasn't it?

_No, it was Mr. X, and he wants revenge after his staggering defeat a year prior, and so he kidnaps Adam, which in my opinion, was a terrible idea. He could've went after Blaze or something like that -sex appeal- but no, he had to go after Adam. In response, local hero Axel and the aforementioned Blaze team up once again to find Mr. X and punch him in the face. Their eight-stage journey starts with a casual walk through..._

Max Thunder: Aren't you forgetting someone?

_Oh yeah, I forgot. Adam's brother Skate also joins the party, fulfilling the Fragile Speedster archetype. So they go to..._

Max Thunder: I meant me.

_You're the furthest thing on my mind, Max. So our party of three_

Max Thunder: Four.

_Party of four, then, starts with a visit to a local bar, wherein they punch the bartender, Barbon, in the face._

Barbon: Anyone care for a drink? I'll need one.

_After which they traverse to a bridge, where they encounter the first of their martial artist adversaries: Kohaku. A quick facepunching to him and his palette swapped friend later, they run into the end of the bridge. Where some asshat in a jet pack runs up to them._

Jet: Since I'm too high for you to punch me in the face, what are you going to do?

_A hop, skip, and jumping face punch is what happens to Jet a few seconds later. The trio – sorry, quartet – of Streets of Rage II playable cast members rush to the amusement park, where they are greeted by FREAKING NINJAS!_

Axel Stone: Oboro ninjas, presumably?

_Given the developers, I wouldn't be surprised. After punching the faces of the ninjas, they rush to an alien-themed attraction with exploding xenomorph eggs and Black Doom's head on a chain of sea urchins._

Black Doom (_Shadow the Hedgehog)_: I WAS NOT PAID FOR THIS APPEARANCE IN THIS SEGA GAME. I DEMAND A LAWSUIT. AND WORLD DOMINATION.

The Overmind (_StarCraft)_: THE HIVE CLUSTER IS UNDER ATTACK

_The Adventures of Captain Caps Lock continues with the true boss of Stage 3: Zamza, a Blanka ripoff with claws and a metal headband. Kinda reminds me of that one guy from Naruto._

Naruto Uzumaki (_Naruto)_: You're going to need to be more specific there, N. Believe it!

_After tracking and facepunching him to what appears to be a gooey floor, our playable characters head to the baseball stadium, where they hope to get Cracker Jack in addition to cracking faces._

Eddie "Skate" Hunter: Ooh, can we get peanuts too?

_You can take him out to the ball game... which is a front for illegal fight clubs. Some may say, Street Fighting?_

Ryu (_Street Fighter)_: We're _so _suing for defamation of character select.

_Boss Wrestler Abadede soon finds out that counterattacking like a boss will get you a one way ticket to a face punch, and after dealing with that buff bastard our heroes find themselves ON A BOAT._

Axel Stone: I'M ON A BOAT!

Eddie "Skate" Hunter: I'M ON A BOAT!

Max Thunder: HEY EVERONE LOOK AT ME I'M ON A MUTHAFUZZING BOAT!

Blaze Fielding: Weirdos.

_After finding and face-punching Barbon's palette-swapped cousin Wayne, the protagonists come face to face with R. Bear!_

Bear Hugger (_Super Punch Out!)_: Hey, that asshole looks just like me, except no beard! I call shenanigans!

_Soon enough, the boat arrives on a beach crawling with Muay Thai fighters, and after punching all of them in the face and going to the jungle, the main characters run into their worst nightmare: palette swapped Jet and Zamza teaming up!_

Palette Swapped Zamza: Technically my name's Souther.

_Be quiet; you want Toei Animation after us too? Turns out that stage six's double team isn't much of a threat against the facepunch, so after relocating to a robot factory (huh? O.O) our heroes come up to the electro elevator of techno music, where they fight against Jet's palette swapped best friend, and punch him in the face._

Axel Stone: Damn, everyone's getting their face punched today.

_After reaching the top of the elevator, they fight against a duo of robots named Atom and Molecule, who get their face punched and then explode, after which they find Mr. X's hotel, where convieniently enough he had checked in the day before._

Mr. X: It's a good thing all these hotels are mine. I always was good at Monopoly. HAHAHA!

_After another elevator sequence starring Barbon and Wayne's former roommate Vulture, Zamza and Souther's brother Nail, and from the last game, Mr. X was getting completely prepared for the ultimate fight by having his right hand man Shiva sicced on his foes, the four protagonists._

Shiva: I am going to seriously face punch you.

_He is truly a tough cookie, but they survive anyway to face off against Mr. X!_

Eddie "Skate" Hunter: Give us back my brother! We'll trade you Blaze for him!

Blaze Fielding: WHAT?

Mr. X: Tempting, but I'd rather shoot you all! HA HA!

_Mr. X whips out his faithful nephew, Tommy Gun, and starts pumping the room full of lead, but he quickly runs out of ammo and, during reloading, gets face punched by all four protagonists at once, which is not very easy to do, trust me. The day is saved!_

**ULTRA 64**

**ULTRA 64 Episode 201**

**Game Data**

**Streets of Rage 2/Bare Knuckle II: Requiem to Desperate Struggle**

**©1992 SEGA**

**Music © Yuzo Koshiro**

**Genre: Beat-Em-Up**

**Players: 2**


	2. Ultra 31: Hydlide

_**Ultra 64 can't remember what this game was about. That's all we can say about Hydlide!**_

**AUTHOR'S CUT: I never played Hydlide, and quite frankly I don't want to, so this episode of Ultra 64 will be much shorter than the previous one. It will also be a limerick. Enjoy!**

**-=31=-**

_There was once a princess whose name was never given_

_and there once was a Varalys who was rather smitten,_

_so the dragon shot lasers _

_with his claw-tipped phasers_

_and the princess became fairies wearing mittens._

_Along came Jim the perpetually weak Knight_

_whose HP couldn't handle anything more than a bite, _

_so he bashed slimes _

_to make weak rhymes _

_and ended up dying that night._

_As Jim the Knight reloaded his game, _

_the trees looked rather tame, _

_so after an hour of bees _

_who were cheaper than cheese, _

_he found the first fairy hiding in a tree. LAME._

_Meanwhile two wizards were hanging out,_

_the second fairy the reward for this bout_

_the wizards were weak to Wave_

_a spell that Jim did for this event save_

_it hit both of them and the rest I forgot about._

_Jim finds the final fairy in a fort _

_guarded by a dragon in its court,_

_and an hour he did grind, _

_but that didn't help his mind, _

_because Jim was one of the dim sort._

_As the fairies teleported him to Varalys's lair, _

_Jim took his revival medicine sqaure _

_and the dragon and knight _

_did clash and fight _

_and Jim won a battle that wasn't fair._

_After that Jim and the princess ate scones, _

_in one of Hydlide's 25 zones, _

_and as this game comes to an end, _

_this game must for itself fend _

_with lawyers representing Indiana Jones. _

* * *

_**ULTRA 64**_

**Ultra 64 Episode 202**

**Game Data**

**Hydlide**

**©1986 T&E Soft**

**Genre: Action JRPG**

**Players: 1**

Raul Escabar, producer for Ultra 64 and the writer for this particular episode, said to N and Ivy, "So what do you guys think?"

"That's the last time I let you write an episode, Raul." Ivy the usual writer critiqued. N nodded in agreement. "_Ultra 64 continues after these commericals."_

"aww..."

COMMERCIAL 1: Echo Grass Throat Tonic

_Hey, this is N from Ultra 64. I'm the narrator of the show, and this job is important to me; as it puts fuel in the tanks and food on the table. That's why I can't play around when it comes to my voice. So when my voice needs a pick-me-up, I drink Echo Grass Throat Tonic; a unique blend of gesahl greens, ginseng, honey, and chai tea; to help my voice climb back to its fullest potential. Whether you have a sore throat or have been cursed by a Black Mage, Echo Grass Throat Tonic gets your voice back, just like you never lost it, guaranteed. Dispells usually take about two minutes to chant and another two minutes to work properly, if they work at all. Echo Grass Throat Tonic works instantly, and there's no chanting necessary. So remember, when you need your voice back, you need Echo Grass Throat Tonic. Echo Grass Throat Tonic, part of the Potion Products family, and sold in general item stores everywhere._

PROMO: Eternity Cross [short]

"The world of 20XX is a crazy one. I just thought it was about stopping Dr. Wily. Now it's about fixing the time-space continuum _and _stopping the schemes of that guy. Then again, it's nothing we can't handle. Mega Man Eternity Cross; new episode next Saturday at 8:30. Time waits for no one. Check it on Saturday Night Entertainment System, only on 3rd Life TV."

=NOW BACK TO ULTRA 64

"_Hey, that's all the condensations we have tonight, so until next time, I'm N. I'll be seeing you, yeah?"_


	3. Ultra 30: Mega Man 2

Ultra 64 Season 2 had begun a few weeks ago; and as Ivan Wilde (who was officially known as Ivy Wilde. Jusenkyo accident) handed N, the narrator, the script for the latest episode that you, the viewers, are about to read, he said,_"you wrote this longhand, right?" _to which the writer responded, "Yeah, it was a pain. SOMEONE kept dumping ice water on me."

N, who had actually participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge around the 3LTV offices a week ago, said _"I wonder who that could be? Before we -but more specifically you- start; Raul, did we get any letters?" _Raul Escabar, the producer of Ultra 64, announced "Just two, N. an anonymous viewer asked about Logic Pro."

"_What's Logic Pro? Are we going to have to look that one up like we did with Lords of Thunder?"_

"I dunno, man. Then we've got another anonymous letter saying that," Raul grinned with this last one "Great poetry in this Ultra 64 episode!"

Ivan, who was blow-drying his hair (for the girl in him, see) said "I guess you can take credit for that one, Raul." At which point Raul beamed with pride_. _Just then Mavis West-Manning, the director, announced "Sixty seconds to showtime, folks. Is Rock in position?"

"_Doesn't look like he's here at all."_

"Someone go get him. It's a little difficult to make the show without the star, doncha think, hon?"

Ivan piped up "He knew when his call time was, but no one's seen him since lunch."

forty-eight seconds later; Rock Light, alias Mega Man, arrived on this week's set of Ultra 64. "Sorry I'm late, guys; I was held up by filming Eternity Cross."

"_Mavis, we've found Rock."_

"Ten seconds to showtime, folks, move it or lose it!"

"_That's your cue, Raul. Make this one count!"_

* * *

_**ULTRA SIX-SIX-SIXTY FOUR!**_

_**Ultra 64 creates eight robots to counter the titular blue bomber in Mega Man 2!**_

**AUTHOR'S CUT: in this condensation, we're going to refer to Mega Man 2's NES version; NOT the Game Boy version (i.e. the bad future version of Mega Man 2)**

**-=30=-**

_In 20XX, a hundred years prior to Mega Man X and the advent of the reploid, there was a lab assistant robot boy named Rock. When his creator's rival Dr. Albert Wily reprogrammed six of his brothers, he requested to be transformed into a fighting robot._

Astro _(Tetsuwan Atom/Astro Boy):_ Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

_The newly remade super fighting robot boy Mega Man stopped the evil schemes of Dr. Wily in the previous game, utilizing the powers of the defeated against him. But in an unspecified date after that, Dr. Wily created eight of his own robots -who were unrelated to Mega Man, I just wanna make that clear- to oppose our blue friend._

Mega Man: Eight on one doesn't sound like very fair odds.

_Since when were mad scientists fair, Mega Man? The list of Dr. Wily's Robot Masters: Crash Man, Air Man, Bubble Man, Heat Man, Quick Man, Flash Man, Wood Man and METUL MAN. Mega Man kicks off his run with METUL Man, whose power involves Megadeth and Slayer._

Metal Man: Actually my power is throwing circular saws.

_No death growls, drum rolls or mad guitar riffs?_

Metal Man: No.

_Bummer. It's a shame, cause Mega Man's plasma cannon rusts Metal Man, and acquires the Metal Blade, an eight-way circular saw weapon, for his trouble. Moving on, Mega Man heads to Wood Man's stage._

Wood Man: My power is a shield of leaves!

Mega Man: Is that supposed to, you know, scare me?

_Evidently, Wood Man never learned to avoid saws, and is chopped down, after which Mega Man acquires the Leaf Shield weapon. He then heads to Flash Man's stage, a crystal mine filled with ice physics. After slipping and sliding to the end of the level, he meets Flash Man._

Flash Man: I can stop time!

Mega Man: Damn, all I've got are circular saws and leaves.

Flash Man: Is that supposed to scare me?

_Flash Man is soon dimmed out, despite his Time-stopping skills, after which Mega Man recieves the Time Stopper. It is a what you see is what you get weapon. Mega Man then heads to Quick Man's laser institution/death trap, where the Time Stopper is super useful for avoiding the massive lasers. After that, he meets with Quick Man._

Quick Man: heydudei'mfastandishootboomerangs!

Mega Man: Calm down, son. Have a Twinkie(tm).

_After Quick Man is stopped, Mega Man receives Quick Boomerang, and moves on to Air Man's stage, filled with fake clouds and bottomless pits, because it's in the sky you see. Air Man boasts that Mega Man would never be able to defeat him... but is soon proven wrong, and Mega Man gets equipped with Air Shooter. Moving on to Heat Man, Mega Man soon scowls._

Mega Man: Those disappearing blocks! My worst nightmare!

_After about fifteen missed jumps, Mega Man makes his way to Heat Man, appropriately shaped like a lighter._

Heat Man: You must heat 'em to beat 'em!

_Which is an accurate statement, but Heat Man soon goes dead cold, and so Mega Man (after getting the charge attack Atomic Fire) reaches Bubble Man and his water stage. Why he didn't go for the Water-based boss to fight the Fire-based boss is beyond me._

Bubble Man: I shoot bubbles with lead in them.

Indiana Jones (_Raiders of the Lost Ark)_: ah, a lead bubble! That'll protect me from a nuclear explosion!

_Don't count on it, Indy. Bubble Man is popped and so Mega Man's last target is Crash Man and his Crash Bomber weapon._

Crash Man: I shoot sticky bombs!

Mega Man: How do they even work?

Crash Man: It's classified.

_After debugging Crash Man, Mega Man heads over to Doctor Wily's Skull Castle to fight Dr. Wily's Wily Machine 2 (Batteries Not Included). But first, he must get equipped with items!_

Mega Man: I could've used them in the last few stages!

Dr. Thomas Light: Hold your horses, I just invented them.

_While getting Rock gets a debriefing in his new equipment, Dr. Wily rebuilds his eight robots for rematches._

Dr. Albert Wily: And you better not screw up this time!

_After using his items to bypass much of Dr. Wily's Skull Castle (and fighting Mecha Dragons in the way) Mega Man reaches a bunch of teleportation pods, and starts in the same order. Metal Man first, and as any serious competitve Mega Man 2 speedrunner knows, Metal Man is going to die. Poor guy._

Metal Man: You'll never find out my weakness!

Mega Man: here, have some of your own medicine.

Metal Man: AH FUZZ MY OWN WEAPON IS BEING USED AGAINST ME! FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU~

_Rest in pieces Metal Man. After taking out the other seven (perhaps to dinner and a movie), Mega Man reaches Dr. Wily's Wily Machine 2 (Batteries Not Included)._

Dr. Albert Wily: It's time for revenge!

_Dr. Wily attacks aggressively, but Mega Man triumphs over Wily Machine 2 at which point the pilot Dr. Wily ejects and turns into ET._

ET (_E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial):_ Dr. Wily phone home.

_No amount of Reese's Pieces (a taste that is out of this world, natch) are necessary for Mega Man to track down the real Dr. Wily here. And after shooting Dr. Wily's alien hologram, which yes it was a hologram, Mega Man returns home. But his plans to relax are soon cut short. How? One word: sequel._

_**ULTRA 64**_

**Ultra 64 Episode 203**

**Game Data**

**Mega Man 2**

**©1989 Capcom**

**Genre: Action-Platformer**

**Players: 1**


	4. Ultra 29: NARC

**Ultra 64 fights the war on drugs in NARC!**

_**AUTHOR'S CUT: For the record, the only NARC that matters is the 1988 arcade game, and NOT the 2005 remake of the same. We're doing the Arcade game, in case you haven't figured out by now.**_

_**-=29=-**_

_It is the year 1988. Ronald Reagan's last presidential year, and his War on Drugs Campaign continues, so two newly enforcing Drug Enforcement Agency officers Max Force and Hit Man (also known by their codenames, Player One and Player Two) patrol the streets of a criminal city ruled by the drug kingpin Mr. Big._

Mr. Big_ (Art of Fighting)_: I hope you isn't refering to me by name, man.

_A completely separate Mr. Big, dude. As Max Force and Hit Man traverse the city of... ah screw it let's just call it Baltimore, they discover that multiple drug dealers need an education in the law._

Drug Dealer #1: AH NO THE NARCS MAN

Hit Man: That's right muthafuzza. We're tha NARCS.

Max Force: WE ARE THE LAW!

Hit Man: And we're gonna fuzz you up real bad.

_Subsequently, Max Force and Hit Man teach the drug dealers in the Force-Man school of law; starting with those cocky browncoats. Their lesson? Street Law 101: How not to get shot multiple times._

Max Force and Hit Man: E for effort... but F for FAIL!

_Evidently, the war on drugs is more literal than Former President Reagan anticipated. So after the destruction of oversized Meth labs (like seriously oversized Meth labs) they hop in their cherry red 1988 custom Ford Mustang pursuit car. And by custom, I mean it's got machine guns attached to the fender._

Sweet Tooth (_Twisted Metal_): Son of a bitch; those muthafuzzers. Tookin' all my ammo. Imma get 'em.

_Max Force and Hit Man straight up runs over many druggies, drug dealers, and steroid-ing hulkeroids straight to Mr. Big's main office, where they get into a fight with security._

Drug Dealer #2: yeah, dude, you cannnot, like, pass here. Not, like, until you show us some ID.

_Thinking ID is a street name for crack cocaine, Max Force and Hit Man shoot the various security officers and encounter Mr. Big's giant robot head._

Mr. Big: So, man, made it here did you? I'll have you know I own the police force and (explodes)

_Max Force shot Mr. Big with fifteen rockets from their thirty-rocket rocket launcher._

Hit Man: Yeah, nice shot, brutha!

Max Force: I AM THE LAW!

_The police chief definitely won't give them any promotions any time soon._

Shao Khan (_Mortal Kombat 3): _POLICE BRUTALITY!

**ULTRA 64**

**Ultra 64 Episode 204**

**Game Data**

**NARC**

**©1988 Williams Manufacturing (now WB Games)**

**Genre: Run-and-gun SHMUP**

**Players: 2**

With the episode completed, N breathed a sigh of relief. _"I wasn't sure how well that would go. I heard Shao Kahn wasn't the best actor. Looks like he proved me wrong."_

a voice from backstage shouted "You owe me ten bucks, N!"

"_We'll be right back."_

COMMERCIAL 2: PTF PSA

"Raul here. I lead Ultra 64's production team, but first and foremost I am a fan. Fans are what keeps serieses going, and fans are the lifeblood of companies. But when a company tries to stunt the creative impulses of fans, or alienates the fans from their product, then I am no longer a fan, but an activist. Just because a company attacks you for quote-unquote stealing their IP, that doesn't mean you don't have a duty to fight back. The fair use doctrine of this country's constitution protects fan-based non-profit work from being infringing. So I implore you, join the cause. Protect the fair use doctrine. Protect the internet. Protect fan based work. Protect the Fans. I'll see you on the other side."

PROMO2: Ultra 64 Season 3

"The ultimate condensed parody is about to be an audiobook! Ultra 64 Season 1 contains all thirty-two original episodes, including the pilot "Sonic the Hedgehog 3"! Now you can take Ultra 64's signature style of condensation parody with you everywhere you go, even on those places where you're not supposed to have Ultra 64, like while driving! Or while inside a public restroom! Or in the vacuum of space! Ultra 64 Season 1, coming soon to MP3 players everywhere!"

=NOW BACK TO ULTRA 64

"_huff, puff, I'm out of breath, so that's all the condensations you're gonna get tonight. For my enitre cast and crew, I'm N, and "_

"THERE HE IS! HE OWES ME A TENNER!"

"_uh oh..."_


	5. Ultra 28: Ghosts and Goblins

When the crew of Ultra 64 arrived for work today, they had no idea that Halloween decorations were all over the set. Mavis West-Manning, the director, had them set up for today's episode. _"Hey, Mavis, what gives? I thought we were going to do Guitar Hero III."_ N asked, to which the director said "I know, hon, but it's nearly halloween. Remember what you did last season?"

"_Super Mario 64."_

"No, hon, before that."

"_Lords of Thunder."_

Raul Escabar, the producer for the show, piped up "Typing of the Dead, N. You forgot already?"

"_it's been a year, give me a break. So we're doing another House of the Dead?"_

Mavis said "Nah, I have something much scarier today."

"_What?"_

"Ghosts and Goblins, hon."

After some thunder sound effects and a blood curdling scream (provided by Ivy Wilde, the writer who was Jusenkyo-spring-of-drowned-boy-cursed), the narrator complained, _"Ghosts and Goblins? Why couldn't it have been P.T.?"_

"Because we're saving the spoilers for next season. Haven't you paid attention to the schedule? It's all old video games," Raul informed. "Speaking of which, I got this anonymous request to do Parodius."

"_I think if we do Parodius we're destined to do the entire Gradius franchise, and I doubt we've got the space in this season."_ N then turned to the cameras to say, "_listen folks, the only reason why we haven't done any request episodes yet is because our lovely-esque writer Ivy doesn't have time to sift through every request that comes along, and there are some games out there we as a team have yet to beat, or even play. We do plan on doing request episodes eventually, though, but right now we just don't have the space in this season for requests. We have a full schedule of games we plan on doing right now, so if you want it, you only need to ask for it. Right then, whenever you're ready, Mavis."_

* * *

_**ULTRA SIX-SIX-SIXTY FOUR!**_

**This room is a trap laid by Ultra 64! Ghosts and Goblins must be traversed! Make Rapid Progress!**

_**AUTHOR'S CUT: Ghosts and Goblins is one of the hardest game serieses ever made, and as such a lot of this game will be skipped due to its difficulty. Also, we're going to refer to the first game's boss as Firebrand instead of Red Arremer, as Firebrand is the guy's US name. Happy Halloween!**_

_**-=28=-**_

_Arthur the Knight and the Princess of whatever kingdom Arthur works for were having a nice tea and scone party in the middle of a graveyard, WHEN SUDDENLY!_

Firebrand: boo!

_The gargoyle/demon Firebrand kidnaps the Princess, so it is up to Arthur to get to the Demon Lord's Castle._

Nobunaga Oda (_Onimusha_): I go on vacation for three weeks, and look what happens, some asshat with four eyes and a beard takes over the place. No more vacations for me.

_Arthur must first make rapid progress out of the graveyard, wherein he is assaulted by zombies. Fortunately he has his trusty lance. Unfortunately, his armor is soon torn off, revealing his heart-patterned boxers._

Arthur: Actually, those dost belongst to mine cousin Maximo.

Maximo (_Maximo: Ghosts to Glory)_: He stole my underwear? That bearded bastard!

_Arthur makes it out of the Graveyard to face off against the demon Firebrand._

Firebrand: You look ridiculous!

Arthur: Thou must sayst that again but to mine face.

_Firebrand and Arthur fight and Arthur takes the victory right under the demon's nose._

Arthur: Prithee tellst me wherefore thou kidnapst the fair Princess.

_This isn't Shakespeare, Arthur._

Firebrand: I wouldn't know. I just handed her off to the nearest demon. Go look in the direction of the castle, as I'm off to be in my own series.

_Firebrand flies off, and Arthur continues on his journey to the castle. After numerous failed jumps, Arthur finally arrives at the Demon Lord's Castle._

Arthur: At last, I have arriveth at yon Demon Lord Castle. What danger liest ahead?

_It is soon discovered that the main villian, the devil lord Satan (technically pronounced Sah-tahn, and not Say-tin like it may or may not actually be pronounced) is a bit of a wimp in comparison to the other trials and tribulations._

The Devil Lord Satan: AHA! You have fallen into my trap! Now for my teleportation spell! Gninnigeb eht ot kcab!

_So it was that Arthur had to start the whole journey all over again, this time with the knowledge to prevent such an occurance from happening again._

The Eternal Champion (_Eternal Champions): _it is a concept as old as time itself.

_And you thought I was going to do a Groundhog Day reference. Arthur soon reaches the Demon Lord's Castle again, and this time faces a much more worthy foe: engrish._

Game: CONGRATURATION THIS STORY IS HAPPY END

_THE HORROR!_

**ULTRA 64**

**Ultra 64 Episode 205**

**Game Data**

**Ghosts and Goblins**

**©1986 Capcom**

**Genre: Arcade Platformer**

**Players: 2 (alt)**


	6. Ultra 27: The Outfoxies

**Ultra 64 kills its enemy by any means in The Outfoxies!**

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S CUT: Seeing as how many of you have never heard of Japan-only Namco arcade game The Outfoxies and how awesome it is, this may be your first experience with the game. If that's the case, then feel free to skip this one.**_

_The mysterious Mr. Acme is asking for an art dealer to be assasinated._

Mr. Acme: I'm in no way related to Acme Products.

_Given that little bit of information, Mr. Acme wants John Smith -real name unknown- to hunt this art dealer._

John Smith: I want that money to pay the rent on my skyscraper hideout.

_What he doesn't know is that Mr. Acme has hired six – technically seven – other hired guns to off the same target._

Danny & Demi: We're effectively siamese twins, but we used to be real siamese twins. We're off to see the world on a yacht.

Bernard White: choo choo! All aboard the Steel Hand Train!

Dweeb the Chimpanzee: I'm not supposed to be talking, but I want all the bananas in the world so that I can monopolize the banana trade! Just like my ancestors in the Dominican Republic!

Betty Doe: My charity aquarium needs funding, so...

Professor Ching: I live in a death trap, so that's why I constructed my personal handicap mobility apparatus.

Eve: My circus training'll steal your heart... before my iguana steals your cash.

_What they don't know is that Mr. Acme plans to make them fight each other, and in the end, John Smith takes the crown as World's Most Expensive Hired Gun. To collect his reward, Mr. Acme sends him to his mansion in Russia._

Yakov Smirnov: In soviet russia...

_I already heard all the jokes, Yakov; go back to being dead._

Yakov Smirnov: WHAT A COUNTRY!

_Mr. Acme leads John Smith through his house, throwing obstacles along the way. It seems like he really doesn't want John Smith to have his money. But Smith gets there, meeting Mr. Acme and his wife._

Mr. Acme's Wife: I saved this for just a such an occasion!

John Smith: Saved what? Why?

Mr. Acme's Wife: BECAUSE! AAAAAGH! BOOM BOOM!

_Mr. Acme's Wife pulls out a 9mm pistol gun and shoots the lights out, allowing her and her husband to escape. Or rather they would have, if they didn't pay attention to the infinite rocket launcher on the lawn chair on the roof._

Announcer (_Metal Slug): _RAWKET LAWNCHAIR!

_After John Smith launches about four or five rockets, Mr. Acme and Mrs. Acme fall off the helicopter onto the hard roof, where they die of overkill._

**ULTRA 64**

* * *

**Ultra 64 Episode 206**

**Game Data**

**The Outfoxies**

**©1994 Namco**

**Genre: Arena Fighter**

**Players: 2**

* * *

Ivy Wilde, local Jusenkyo victim and writer of Ultra 64, asked a simple question to N, the show's narrator. "N, what's the big deal with this game?", to which the intrepid italicized announcer responded "_Ivy, the game was the technical inspiration for Smash Bros."_

"So why was it never released outside of Japan?"

N stroked his chin. _"Good question. I bet I'd have the answer after the commercials. We'll be right back."_

COMMERCIAL 3: Edgaroni Pasta

Singer 1: _"When you need a taste_

_but you're in a bit of haste_

_You need Edgaroni!"_

Singer 2: _"When you've got a hungry tummy_

_you want a royal yummy_

_You want Edgaroni!"_

"Edgaroni Pasta, made with Edgar Figaro's secret Penne recipe! Your tongue will be asking for more!"

Singers: _"When you want a quick lunch_

_you gotta taste the royal touch_

_A bowl of Edgaroni!"_

"Edgaroni Pasta! Taste the royal touch! Available at Narshe Grocery and all fine supermarkets!"

PROMO 3: Ultra 64's Schedule

"_N here. We here at Ultra 64 want you to know that we've been working hard to give you the best Condensation Parodies possible. Which is why we want to give you our schedule for upcoming episodes ahead of time, so here it is._

**Super Hydlide **

**Portal**

**Sonic the Hedgehog 2**

**TimeSplitters Future Perfect**

**Thunder Force IV**

**Sonic Adventure**

**The House of the Dead**

**Armored Warriors**

**Sonic Advance**

**Alien Vs. Predator (Arcade)**

**BlackThorne**

**Sonic Adventure 2**

**Contra III: The Alien Wars**

**Jet Set Radio Future**

**Doom ~ Knee Deep In The Dead**

**League of Legends**

**The Revenge of Shinobi**

**Metal Gear Solid**

**Super Mario World**

**Metroid Fusion **

**Street Fighter III Third Strike**

**Sonic CD**

**Contra Hard Corps**

**Super Metroid**

**Chrono Trigger**

"_We hope you enjoy our next episode: Super Hydlide. See you then!"_

**=NOW BACK TO ULTRA 64**

"_And that's why the Outfoxies was never released outside of Japan!"_

N had noticed that during his spiel during the commericals, Ivy fell asleep. _"Well, I just bored my writer to sleep, so I guess I'd better shut up and sign off. I am N. Later, yeah?"_


End file.
